Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm just crazy horny about you
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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