so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
