me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize