If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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