my phone needs a breathalizer
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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