we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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