I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
