btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
