I'm lost and stupid without you.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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