I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
