also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
