I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
