on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
