I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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