Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Randomize
