My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
