i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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