I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
