Redeem this text for a blowjob
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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