you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
