How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
