Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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