I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
