So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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