did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
