i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
