Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
