I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize