Nicole vs. Life
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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