i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Everyone says I win the strip club
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I need to align my fucking chakras
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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