how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Randomize
