why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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