census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
