The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
