Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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