I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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