my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
