her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
