New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
