I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
a search helicopter?!
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
