The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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