so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
