Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
