things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We need to get me chipped asap
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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