its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
