Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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