Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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