ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
