the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
