I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize