i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he puts the penis in happiness.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
