I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
should my penis look like a turkey
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It's blow job season.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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