My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
