i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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