id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
