I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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