I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
