I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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