Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
