Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
