I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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