Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
