life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You ruined the universe
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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