i wish my penis had a tongue
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's never too late to be topless.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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