The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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